Ways You Can Help A Family Struggling With A Mental Health Illness
Ways You Can Help A Family Struggling With A Mental Health Illness
I was reminding my eight year with ASD to please lather his hands with soap before putting them under the water pouring from the sink-faucet. I was reminding him that lathering with soap and warm water is what actually cleans his hands and if he simply lets the water pour off his hands, they are not clean.
My son stated: “Mom, can you make a picture and put it on the wall? That way I can see it and remember the rule? Sometimes I forget all these rules I have to follow. There are so many of them!”
Can’t say he is not a Problem Solver!
My daughter takes the bus to college – she is not yet ready to drive – and each day can be colorful with the many passengers she encounters. On day a couple weeks ago she came home and said to me:
“Mom, there is this passenger who keeps arguing with the bus driver. Every time she gets on the bus, Mom. He picks her up at the same stop and takes the same route every day. Yet she argues with him to make this turn and go that way and if he went that way he would get to her house faster. She argues from the time she gets on the bus until she reaches home. I’ve heard the bus driver try to explain to her that he takes that route because it is easiest with traffic at that time of day but she does not listen. That is when I use my imaginary eject button.”
“For what?” I asked her. She said, “I visualize her propelling out the bus!”
“Where does she go?” I asked. I was secretly very concerned about this poor woman. My daughter replied… “She lands at her dining table eating dinner. That way she cannot talk and chew at the same time. I am sure she talks at her family the same way she does the bus driver. They need some peace too, Mom.”
I wanted to suggest earbuds to my daughter but thought better of it at the time… 🙂
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A Creative Mind… And an opportunity to reinforce skills.
My seven year old with ASD keeps reinventing his world! He recently took all his shoes out of the closet and decided to place them in his golf cart and another bin in his bedroom; boldly declaring: “This is where I will keep all my shoes from now on!” I looked at his adorable face and gave him props for his creativity and celebrated his ingenuity. I took pictures of him with his new golf-cart-shoes-bin and left him playing with it for the remainder of the afternoon.
Then, when it was time to clean up his bedroom before supper, I asked him to put all his shoes back in the closet, gently responding to every mild protest he was giving.
Why did I do that? I am always mindful of habits forming for all four of my children on the spectrum. Sometimes, habits are created out of boredom. Other times my kiddos want to be in control and begin a behavior to self-soothe or assuage anxiety. Whatever the reason, one thing is for certain… Kiddos with an ASD diagnosis can form and latch on to a new habit in a heartbeat. That comes naturally to them and it feels right. Then another symptom of Autism presents itself… Rigidity. When rigidity sets in, it is oftentimes partnered with combativeness and tantrum behavior. By that time, it becomes very difficult and sometimes almost impossible to make them change that habit or behavior. Behavior Intervention strategies have to be implemented to help revert the habit or situation. Since my twenty years of experience make me all too aware of how quickly new habits are formed, when I see it in the making, I immediately and reflexively stop and ask myself: Where will this habit lead us in two weeks, one month, one year?
In the case of the “Golf Cart Shoe Bin” I imagined a day when we were running late for school because we could not find a shoe. Then the situation escalating into a full blown tantrum, when I insisted that he wore another non-preferred pair. Ultimately, not only would my son be late, but so would everyone else; which would result in feelings of resentment, long faces, with that knowing glare through the rear-view mirror conveying hurt feelings all the way around.
Having four children with ASD upset in a car ride on the way to school is not a pleasant experience! When I weighed that scenario versus talking him out of the golf-cart-shoe-bin, it was an easy choice. However, there is more to the matter… It was teaching my son how to transition back and forth with more ease. It was also teaching him that some things must remain the way they are for functionality. He was being taught that he can be creative and have some fun in his bedroom. Some things can remain the way he created them, others must return to their place, to the order they were in. Finally, those neural pathways were busy at work adjusting and changing to help him acquire and maintain new skills. It may have been a tad inconvenient addressing that matter at the end of a long day and having my son return his shoes to the closet. When considering all the possible outcomes… it was worth doing to prevent him forming a new habit or behavior that ultimately would not work.
Here’s a note from a Mom whose son is receiving Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) for adults…
I am so grateful for Adult ABA. My son is now in his 20’s living with a diagnosis of Autism. When he was younger it was not offered to us. I had to wait until he was in High School to receive ABA. At times I am envious of other families who receive ABA when their children are toddlers, wish we were that lucky. My mind wonders how much more advanced my son would be if he had received the services at such a young age. My son is what they used to refer to as “Asperger’s” or “High Functioning.” Looking at his picture, you cannot not tell that he has a disability, it’s a hidden disability. He struggles with food/textures, time management, social interactions/developing relationships and the big time waster he loves gaming.
Applied Behavior Analysis for Adults has been a godsend for my son; it has been a game changer. ABA does not cure autism but it teaches him skills, as result of Adult ABA he is building a foundation; a building block to independence. He is learning how to navigate this complex world we live in. My greatest fear is that if something happens to me, what will happen to my son? Who will care for my son? So I fight, I push him to keep going forward, he wants to gain skills but at times he becomes complacent. I advocate for the appropriate services that ensure my son receives the skills so he can become the best version of himself. It can be challenging because he is a young adult, but he still has not developed the age appropriate skills. He needs to be taught these skills.
My son holds a steady part-time job and is now in College pursuing an education for the career he loves. I know that there are many families out there that have young adult children that did not receive ABA when they were minors and now the family is facing many challenges, I strongly encourage you to utilize the therapeutic intervention of Adult ABA. It’s never too late for our young adults!
We love to hear these stories about how our young adults can benefit from Applied Behavior Analysis. Learn more about ABA here.
A must-listen for parents with children with conditions such as ADHD, Diabetes, Heart-Disease or other Mental Illness or Trauma (Foster/Adopt Parents please listen)…
“The science is clear, early adversity dramatically affects health across a lifetime…The single most important thing we need today is the courage to look this problem in the face and say this is real and this is all of us.”
|Click on the image to view Nadine Burke Harris’s Ted Talk|
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if depression could be prevented? Please take a look at this Ted Talk documentary. Rebecca Brachman talks about a drug that is already in existence that could possibly prevent depression and ptsd.
It is a worthwhile listen!
When supporting my children, I ask myself one question… How will whatever I am doing at this moment help them toward self-management and independence? The assumption I do not make is that they will figure it out on their own, or it will somehow evolve with maturity. When we support our children with proven, tested strategies they develop a stronger foundation for learning, communication, socialization and behavior, as they grow into adulthood. I believe this is a vital part of development for children and young adults on the spectrum! Without these supports it is my opinion that our children/young adults sometimes struggle to move forward. Here are some helpful hints:
1. Start today! The earlier we begin, the more we increase their chances of success. It’s never too late…. A toddler is younger than a twelve year old. A twelve year old is younger than a twenty-one year old. A twenty-one year old is younger than a forty-five year old. So, no matter the age, there is always an opportunity to help your child/young adult achieve skills to get them to the next level of development. Just leap in!
2. Start where you are! Any place in your child/young adult’s development is where you should begin. The goal is to help them learn to take control of their feelings/emotions/behavior/actions, in order to self-manage and self-regulate. Whether they are using ABA Strategies or Collaborative Problem Solving, new habits and skills begin to take shape with consistent practice. Enlist the right help for your child/young adult/family!
3. Communicate honestly with your child/young adult. Let them know this support is important to their development. Help them understand and buy-in.
In other communication, be direct and try not to be long winded. For example, when dealing with a behavior challenge, I’d say the same words to my seven year old, twelve year old, twenty year old and twenty-one year old. “You did not give me the courtesy of your time when I was asking. You chose to – tantrum, pout, back-talk, ignore me, etc. – and now I am busy with something else. When I have the time I will get back to you.” If the ensuing tantrum, tears, screaming, sulking, pouting lasts one minute, one hour or more that is all I had to say about the matter. The test for parents is to remain resolved. It is hard at times!
4. Empower your child/young adult. Help them to learn to articulate their needs. Let your interaction with your children/young adults be inclusive. Whether it’s a family meeting, creating a schedule, having a discussion on maladaptive behavior or just goofing off; let it be collaborative in nature. Help your children/young adults find their voice! This can be a very difficult process – finding balance and getting the right results – but it is worth it to see them thrive! It is also necessary for their survival.