My seven year old – yup he is a year older – jumps on his bed a lot. When he does, I simply say to him, “Beds are made for sleeping.” I don’t get excited and yell “Stop!” or “No!” because those words feed into his momentary mania and excite him. As a result, the issue becomes greater than it has to be. I’ve released my powers to a seven year old… What now happens for the most part when I hear him jumping on the bed and he sees me enter the room, he stops, grins and says “beds are made for sleeping!” Then I concur and reinforce the statement, “Yes, beds are made for sleeping.”
When giving him his bath, I say to him, “Turn and let me wash your tushy.” He sometimes yell out loudly, “BUTT! Hahaha! Mom is going to wash my BUTT!” Then he goes on, “Butt is a potty-word, Mommy. I should say ‘bottom’ or ‘buns'”. He looks keenly at me for a reaction but I keep my practiced poker face and simply respond, “Tushy and bottom are good words, sweetie.” Meanwhile, I am laughing out loud in the back of my mind. I don’t reprimand or preach at this time!
Then, at random moments he yells out loudly to his siblings: “J-Fart, S-Fart, Z-Fart, Mommy Fart! Hahahaha!” Of course my eleven year old is poised for battle and starts yelling back. I glare at him with a practiced look that means stand down and ignore your brother. My eleven year old sulks and walks away. Work in progress but I instruct the siblings to ignore him. I encourage them to go to their rooms and close the door and I reward them when they do. Then I give my seven year old a choice of two activities he may want to engage in. I’d say something like, “Do you want to build a train track or would you like to play with your play-dough?” Redirecting him is always a great option to practice. I never offer TV or I-pad during these instances.
My seven year old goes potty independently. Sometimes everything works out great. Other times, he comes to my bedroom and tells me he is scared of the bathroom clock. Everytime he does, I immediately stop what I am doing (poker face – no excitement) and go into the bathroom with him. I never want my children to be fearful, whether it is real or imagined. I stand at the door while he goes potty and washes up and leave. In this instance, I feel it is more important that he masters going to the potty, wiping and washing up. I can throw out the clock but then realistically we cannot throw out everything he is afraid of. So after he masters the potty experience, we will deal with the fear of the clock issue. Since he is not complaining during every use of the potty, the clock is not an issue I need to prioritize at this time.
My eleven year old recently received an award from school during Assembly. His Teacher sent a note inviting me to come to school to see him receive this award. The note was stapled. There is a Wednesday folder that comes home from school, so that particular evening I’d brought the folder in my bedroom and did not replace it in the box in the livingroom. That night before my son went to bed he brought the note to me… He said, “You are invited to an assembly tomorrow I am receiving an award.” He handed me the note. I immediately noticed the staple was removed and my name on the front. I asked him if he saw who the note was addressed to? He responded he did. I asked him why he opened it? He said he wanted to know what his teacher was telling me. We discussed it for about fifteen minutes and he simply did not get what the big deal was… He wanted to know what was in that note and that was the end of it as far as he was concerned. One of my argument to him was that it was illegal to open someone’s mail. He replied that the Postman did not bring the letter to me, he did!
After one of his tantrums, he recently told me he does not access his calming strategies because he does not like the idea that all these people – his Therapists and I – are telling him to. He admitted that he knows the strategies work, however he does not want people telling him what to do.
In this case, I chose not to battle these issues with my eleven year old because I realized a while ago that there is a larger plan that had to take place. Arguing with him is an exercise in futility. This year – 2016 – I reduced the majority of my extra-curricular activities to spend time with my son to to strip down all the issues relating to his behavior that were wreaking havoc on our family. I came to some conclusions that I will share with you in my next post.
Finally, today we had a great family outing! We joined The Center For Autism for the annual Autism Speaks Walk fundraiser. We were to meet up with the group of folks walking with The Center at 10:30 AM at a designated location. Well, since this was our first year participating, I did not have history to rely on. So we went to the area but everyone was not there as yet. The announcer began a countdown 5..4…3…2..1… and said, “Lets Walk!” and my twenty year old son with moderate Autism took off! He had his game-face on!
The night prior, I had primed him for this 5-K; created a social story and rehearsed our fun day. We were set to walk! So off he went with his 6’4″ stride. I tried to stop him but he insisted, “Mom. the man said to walk!” so I just shrugged and ran to catch up with him! He was already anxious with such a large crowd and we were there to have FUN! Trying to explain to him the idea of waiting for our group was not in the cards. We did not get to walk with the folks at The Center but took some lovely pictures with them subsequently.
Living with a family with Autism, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance and other neurological deficits can be challenging. What I strive for is supporting my kiddos in their individual evolution. I believe that collaborating with them and helping them understand their responsibility to themselves and others is a formula that is critical to their success. I find myself having to be extremely flexible – but always true to my values as a parent – and choosing my battles moment by moment.
Tantrum Interventionist 2.0… My eleven year old’s behavior fluctuates moment by moment. He tantrums. Sometimes in the morning when he opens his eyes waking up, I see that look on his face… his countenance and demeanor… I just know today will not be an easy one. I know sometimes he cannot control whatever it is that’s happening inside of him, but I also know that behavior is learned. Understanding that young kids are malleable and the urgency of making the most of today, I work with making most moments of maladaptive behavior teachable ones for him. We find ways to help him learn about his responsibility in managing his behavior. Fortunately for us he has a great, professional, committed, behavioral team. This blog is a follow up to my newsletter article of September 11th. Here is a link: http://eepurl.com/ceaFZH
I decided to share a few steps we are taking with him:
Today during my son’s ABA session his BI – Behavior Interventionist – reviewed his schedule and realized that he did not do his laundry. He was supposed to complete that chore prior to his session which began at noon. So she informed him that he would sort his laundry at his scheduled “free time” during his session. He immediately began to whine and complain. His BI continued to write her notes for a brief moment and then briskly said to him: “All you need to say to me is: ‘OK I’ll get the laundry done.'” He was so irritated but repeated what she said. The significance of that is his entire team, including me, are helping him understand his behavior. What he should do and how he should act and respond in order to be appropriate at home and fit in at school and during other social activities. We have decided for this time, that is an important area of focus in his support and we are all very consistent redirecting his whining. What I know for certain is that if we simply allow him to continue to do that, it becomes a new behavior.
TANTRUM INTERVENTIONIST – September 11, 2016 Newsletter Entry
There are so many titles I am proud to hold… Mother, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt, writer, advocate, educator… friend. However, right at this moment, the title I am most pleased to have is “Tantrum Interventionist!” You see, my eleven year old had a colossal tantrum last Sunday. It left us all very drained and me discouraged. But what’s a Mom to do? We continue on. We have no choice! So fast forward to today… Somehow I believe he was trying to go for two Sundays in a row.
This morning I woke him up 7:00 AM and he did not feel like getting out of bed (well that’s not entirely true – he was playing a ‘game’ with his brother) so he snarled at me “turn off that light.” I immediately knew what type of day this could turn out to be so I ignored him and waited for him to leave the room in order that his brother could get dressed. For added measure, on his way out the door he kicked down the brand new clothes hamper I’d bought him one day prior. I just continued to look straight ahead, I did not even glance at him. Then later he put on one of his newer school shirts for the day. He likes the same style of shirts and I had asked him use only the old stained shirts on the weekends and the newer ones for school. Our conversation ensued on which shirts he should be wearing. I was attempting to revisit the previous conversation we’d had as a reminder to him. In order to help him remember which shirts he should actually be wearing on weekends. He kept interrupting me with literal translations of what I was saying and just being mean spirited with his attitude. Responding, “I forgot” or other times he was just shutting down altogether and staring me in the face. What bothered me most was seeing the other kids tiptoe to their rooms and my oldest son gently closing the sliding door to the kitchen in order to avoid the potential unpleasantness. It was only 8:00 AM! So, I suggested that he accessed one of his calming strategies and he finally said to me. “You are annoying me.”
Without missing a beat I responded to him, “You are annoying me too!” He had the nerve to look shocked! I continued, “I am completely amazed and find it incredulous that we seem to have this one conversation incessantly. Never ending… Do you think this a walk in the park for me? No, it is not! I am HUGELY annoyed! But do you see me frothing at the mouth or flailing or screaming my lungs out or pitching a colossal tantrum because I am annoyed? No, I am standing in front of you calmly going over this same conversation for the umpeenth time because I care. I am controlling my impulses to yell and scream. I am accesing my calming strategies and reigning in my control. That is what we do, honey. Almost everyone in the world learn to control their annoyance, frustration, anger and behavior. And that is what we are all trying to help you learn!
I continued to tell him. “You have an elite team of professionals supporting you. Helping you in every possible way. You know exactly what choices are available to you right now and you are being silent because you prefer to lash out. You have reminder cards right there in that cabinet in case you forget your strategies. Yet, you are waiting for an opportunity to tantrum. So here’s my suggestion. Since you are not accessing your strategies right now, let’s get you on your elevator to the 50th floor and count down. Then, when you are on the 1st floor if you feel up to it come and see me in the kitchen so we can continue this conversation and sort out these shirts. If not, you can go up to the 100th floor.” One of the many conversations I have with my son is not giving away his power to anyone. Especially his emotions. Learning to cope with them is vital in life. If not, it eventually becomes the determinant of achievement in life. I tell him if he does not learn to control his emotions and lashing out continues to be a way of life, he will end up potentially giving his power to others who will make decisions for him. That may result in grave consequences. Others may not understand that he has Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome… Or what that even means. But the most important thing is the majority of people do not take lightly to someone lashing out at them.
I am not sure what in my posture or words made him acquiesce but that he did. He started to count. The truth of the matter is he does calm down after he counts. He has had a zillion behavior outbursts and tantrum over the years but something about counting down on the elevator is the most effective method of calming that I have seen having an immediate effect on him. Naturally he hates to use it. God forbid he is calm! But when he gives away his power to me; when he does not want to calm himself down, I just ask him to take a short (or very long) ride on the elevator.
A few minutes later, he came back and stated, “I’m ready” and we sorted out the shirts in perfect unison. He hung up his ‘good’ shirts and I took pictures of the ‘old’ shirts that have stains on them so the next time he says “I don’t know” I’ll just have him reference the pictures. When all was done, I asked him where he was on his thermometer and he replied “green.” I praised him for re-taking control of his emotions and told him later in the day we will sit to collaborate on solutions. So, off we were to the next adventure… Yikes!
Yup… Reclaiming my calm on a Sunday morning… Oh Happy Day!
“But I don’t want to start school!”
I’ve heard my teenage daughter utter that phrase at least a thousand times in the past week. Well, maybe not quite a thousand, but it sure felt like it! It was so hard to know how to respond.
How could I reassure her that things will be okay, without ignoring her obvious distress about the start of school?
My daughter used to love school. She loved seeing her friends and she even liked her teachers. But then she entered middle school and that’s when it started: the DRAMA. Girl drama, boyfriend drama, homework drama, teacher drama! You name it, there was drama. If only she could channel that drama into theater acting, she might be the next Julia Roberts.
Don’t get me wrong – I get it. I remember that age and frankly, you couldn’t pay me to go back to that time. I didn’t talk to my mother much about the stress of school. Maybe I didn’t think she would understand or maybe I thought she wouldn’t really be able to help. So many times, adults forget that “teenage angst” is truly hard. How could I support my daughter in coping with these situations?
If you’re dealing with a child’s back-to-school dread, here are a few things that can help:
When I worry about my daughter and school, I try to remind myself: this is the training ground for the real world.There will be many opportunities for her to practice the coping skills she is learning. She’s going to get her heart broken, she’s going to have friends who let her down and she’s going to cry sometimes. But she’s also going to laugh, she’s going to meet a few lifelong friends and she’s going to have successes. She’s going to learn and she’s going to grow – and as her parent, so will I.
For more ideas on strengthening your child’s coping skills and problem-solving abilities, check out “I Hate School!” What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School?
Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is a mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Marney and Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline, for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over The Influence, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues. Their first children’s book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children’s Storybook Cover Design Award.
Why Social Stories Work…
Why do they work? Here are a couple reasons: Children on the spectrum are visual learners; so a Social Story with vibrant supporting pictures immediately resonates. Just as important is the choice of words used in the story. Also, all children retain information when it is repeated to them. So, when a Social Story is read repeatedly, it gives children an opportunity to process the positive messages. This allow for a shift in perspective. Then, it becomes easier to take those messages and make them applicable to real life situations.
Please preview sample pages of our books at the attached link:
Winter School Break has begun… I’d decided to spend the holidays at home relaxing, for a much needed r&r with my family. That’s before I realized that we have 3 weeks vacation! Yikes!!! Naturally, the dreaded “B” word was spoken in hour two – 9:00 AM – of day one of our stay-ca… Josh, my Tweener declared, “Mom, I’m boooooored!!” Next was the incessant, “Can I watch TV?”… and the invariable tantrum, taunting his siblings, whining, you name it!
Thank goodness Abby, Case Manager extraordinaire from ACES paid us a visit that afternoon. After listening to me vent about the situation, she said – “Let’s help him make a Boredom Box before I leave.”
So… that we did! We pulled many items, ranging from his many Lego pieces, to a Chess game. When an item was too large, he wrote the name on a sheet of paper. He also wrote the words “Use My Imagination” on a blank page and placed everything inside a box. He named the box his “B Box” and was placed in charge of decorating it. With her experience and expertise, Abby coached Josh through pulling items from his bedroom to place in his box as well as writing a note for reference during times of boredom. She used great imagery with perspective shaping, painting a picture of Mom’s “bubble” of thoughts and feelings when he was nagging because of boredom. She made him feel excited about navigating his world independently. She was encouraging and supportive. Josh was fully on board!
Joshua wrote: “My “B” Box. I will occupy myself without asking Mom for TV. I will use my “B” Box when I have finished all my normal tasks and feel bored. I won’t bug Mom and ask for TV.
P.S. I have the most amazing imagination in the universe… So I will use it with my “B” Box!”
Today was day one of Josh using his “B” Box. I checked in on him a couple times; served his meals. Josh totally self-manged today. He did not nag me once! So far.. so good!
So… Here’s to the “The “B” Box! … And Abby!
PS…If you have not heard of it before, or need a refresher on the idea, google “Boredom Box” and you will find loads of images and ideas.
There are moments in your day or week or month when life gets overwhelming and you simply need time to yourself! In those moments, an effective tool I’d like to suggest you utilize to achieve that goal, is the “Wand of Silence”. Visual tools are very effective for kiddos on the spectrum. You can create something similar for your home and call it whatever you like.
Here is how it works:
For the best results, I’d recommend that you begin with very small increments of time, then build upon that. I’d also recommend that you begin with no more than one break a week. Remember, this should be used at times when you are in high stress. It is not to be used for daily breaks or it will lose its effectiveness.
Happy “Silence” & Peace!
Today, it’s called “The Potty Party Bag!” Sixteen years ago, it was called “The Telephone Prize Basket!” My daughter is now twenty years old… when she was four I was Sales Director for a direct sales company. When my Clients would call, I needed her to settle… It was impossible for her to sit still for a nanosecond and when I was talking on the phone, she wisely knew she could get my attention by climbing onto the kitchen countertop. We developed a system around it. It started with a Social Story whereby we simply stated the need for her to play quietly when Mommy was talking on the phone and also the dangers of climbing on the counter top. Then when Mommy got off the phone, she could pick any prize she wanted from the “Prize Basket!” The Telephone Prize Basket, was heavily adorned with ribbons and festive decorations and was placed on top of the refrigerator.
Today, my five year old son is being potty trained… So Theresa, his ABA Supervisor made this “Potty Party Prize Bag.” Each time he goes potty on the toilet,a tremendous celebration ensues and then he gets to select a prize from “The Potty Party Bag!” Guess who mastered “The Potty” in a week?
Here’s what I know… I understand without any doubt or confusion that when my ten year old son is tantruming wildly, even sometimes ferociously; or when my daughter misplaces her homework yet again; or when my five year old son reverts to biting, just when I thought we had nipped that behavior in the bud… I am very aware and accepting of the fact that these are symptoms of Autism or ADHD.
I have empathy for my kids! I know when I am experiencing feelings of frustration and fatigue; being totally worn out from trying to be a supportive parent it pales in comparison to what my kids are feeling. They sometimes feel a tremendous burden living with their symptoms. Seemingly never being able to get it right! Constantly and sometimes harshly being corrected by adults and often being ridiculed by peers. When well-meaning professionals supporting them have such low expectations; they are afraid to voice their innermost dreams. Even though I do not have Autism or ADHD (ahem!) I can relate to their pain.
What I urge you to watch for and gauge, is having that empathy translate to accepting maladaptive behavior or allowing our children – any age on the spectrum – to develop bad and sometimes harmful habits; because we are just so tired. Enabling our children does not serve them well in any way and it is detrimental on many levels. The results can also be devastating. Teaching our children coping strategies is a gift of a lifetime.
Knowledge is power! Information is liberating and elevating…Education is the premise of progress* So how do we empower our kids? We empower ourselves! I recently took a course facilitated by Dr. John Erratt of OUSD about perspective and perception of kids of the spectrum. It was one of the best hour I have invested in myself in a long time. The next time that course is offered, I will pass on the information to you.
Here’s what I recommend… Sit with your children and spouse and discuss the challenges you are individually facing coping with any aspect of the diagnosis in your home. Make a commitment to find the source of support for your family. I urge you to partner with Agencies that provide any type of Behavior Support so your family can learn coping strategies. Help is only a telephone call or email away!
This is such a beautiful story… One of courage and determination! When kids on the spectrum succeed, it gives us a collective feeling of pride and hope.
I urge all parents to forge ahead in battle for your child! My sincere wish is that we continue to have the courage and determination to seek out the best resources for our kiddos. To never allow anyone to force us through the path of minimal achievement. To remind everyone on our child’s team that the road less travelled by is simply a road. And… because “that is the way it has always been done” does not mean it will apply to our son or daughter.
I see a world for our kiddos where they are fully integrated in society. Where IEP’s and 504 Plans become the useful tools they ought to be. Where society has a broader understanding and acceptance due to the resonance of our collective voices. Where all parents are informed and can become consensus builders and chief collaborative problem solvers on behalf of our kiddos. Where all our kiddos can soar! May be all experience that feeling!